Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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