True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize