the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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