hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
