I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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