I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize