my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize