All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
where are my eyebrows?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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