Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
