Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
