Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
