I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
