so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
