It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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