She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
