: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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