shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize