Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
