Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
