I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
