His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
