Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
These tits shall not be calmed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
