she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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