Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
