can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
