Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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