An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i came on her dog
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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