So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
