You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
