I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
