He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
