i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
