Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
