It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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