Define "chronic" masturbator.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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