she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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