Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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