My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
