chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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