I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
