T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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