Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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