I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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