wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
