chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize