Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
