i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need moral support for this bender
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
