why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
