if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
