youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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