the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
