hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
