life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The power of my boobs compel you
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
