have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize