Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
