My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
